For the last few years, Punch has released a special tribute cigar to commemorate Father’s Day. First there was the Dad Bod, followed last year by Dad’s Home Movies, and now we have Mr. Punch’s Weiners. I’m sure there’s an off-color joke to be made here but I’m certainly not the guy to make it. I’m a professional after all and this review will not resort to cheap jokes as that’s not what the TNCC is about. Scott Abney, brand manager for Punch, had this to say in a recent press release, “Mr. Punch’s Wieners may have a funny name. And a funny shape. But this blend is no joke. Loaded with rich tobaccos and rounded at both ends to offer two unique smoking experiences, Mr. Punch’s Wieners is the perfect gift for Father’s Day and a cigar you’ll want to come back to all summer long.”
It’s a Tale of Two Weiners! Not to be confused with the experimental student film I starred in featuring that exact same name as a doe-eyed freshman back at Sam Houston State University. Go Bearkats! Well, I’m a father now and I happen to love hot dogs so it’s time to slide Mr. Punch’s Weiner into my mouth and see what comes of it…
THE CIGAR – MR. PUNCH’S WEINER by FORGED CIGAR COMPANY
Size: 6 x 50 (toro)
Wrapper: Ecuadorian (Sumatra-seed)
Binder: American (broadleaf)
Filler: Dominican Republic, Honduras, & Nicaragua
Price: $6.99 (while these Weiners were submitted to the TNCC to suck down, you can head over to Famous Smoke Shop and use promo code TNCC20 to receive $20 off your order of $100 or more)
Mr. Punch’s Weiner is somewhat hard and features prelight aromas are of earth and freshly-cut lumber. There are some pronounced veins running along the Weiner which is to be expected. When I go to punch the double cap of the Weiner, ouch, the two tobacco caps just basically fall off. This Weiner is like most weiners, clearly afraid of sharp objects. There’s not enough airflow from the caps falling off so I’m still forced to punch the Weiner, again ouch, which causes the wrapper leaf to begin unraveling so that blows. The cold draw doesn’t reveal much other than a very slight natural sweetness. I’m smoking the red end of the Weiner because I like ketchup on my weiner and I can’t think of a time where I ever squirted anything blue on my weiner.
The pack of Weiners I received gave no instructions on whether to cut the closed foot or leave the Weiner’s tip alone, so I leave it alone and treat it as a traditional closed foot. First impressions once I place the lit Weiner in my mouth (don’t blame me for this, I didn’t name this cigar) are of a peppery/earthy combo through the nose, while the draw is bringing in flavors of must, more earthiness, and a chalk note. Maybe I should’ve sucked on the blue end of the Weiner instead? I’m already starting to have regrets over how I approached this Weiner. So think about it, weigh your options, and please don’t clumsily rush into jamming a Weiner in your mouth. The important thing is that once you decide on how you’d like to handle the Weiner, you take it slow and enjoy yourself. Not to toot my own horn, but I’ve been preaching that exact thing for years now… What?
Mr. Punch’s Weiner is, somewhat surprisingly, performing very well from a construction standpoint. The draw is smooth and the burn line is more than acceptable, especially after burning through the double-capped foot. The loose wrapper leaf hasn’t unraveled further so that also helps the cause. Speaking of causes, I don’t understand why a portion of the profits from Mr. Punch’s Weiners isn’t going towards a men’s health charity, a benefit for retired porn stars, or at the very least a few packs should have included a golden ticket granting the winners an opportunity to drive the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile around for a day. The chalk and a newly-developing mineral sensation are now present via the retrohale and they’re drowning out the pepper considerably. More mineral and that constant earthy presence are now the draw’s primary notes.
After thumping off the Weiner’s ash for the first time, I suddenly detect a relish note but I determine that it’s just my imagination. While Mr. Punch’s Weiner hasn’t made me horny, it has made me thirsty. I usually don’t pair cigars with a beverage during the review process, but I also don’t usually smoke cigars named after a puppet’s penis* so all rules are out the window. I’m thinking a Sonic Route 44 sweet tea makes sense here. Coincidentally, Sweet T was the name I danced under back in college but I NEVER revealed my weiner once the police uniform came off. Scout’s honor! And if, by chance, you are a Boy Scout and a troop leader asks if you’re interested in trying out Mr. Punch’s Weiner, just say “No” for a multitude of reasons. And if your troop leader happens to actually be named Mr. Punch, RUN LIKE HELL.
Around the 3” mark, halfway to completion, a soft vanilla frosting flavor begins developing via the draw. While I’m usually all onboard for any type of vanilla flavor in a cigar, it seems a bit out of place with all the earth dominant notes making up the Weiner’s profile so far. Who knows if that marriage of flavors will improve, I’ve got 3” of Weiner left to go and I’m taking it nice and slow. There actually was an organization established to aid former porn stars, The Pink Cross Foundation, but it finished too soon way back in 2016. It was “a faith-based charity dedicated to reaching out to women and men who have left or are trapped in porn offering emotional, financial and transitional support.” So I guess that’s not a viable option after all… Forged Cigar Company could have at least brought onboard Joey Chestnut to promote these Weiners! Hey, it’s certainly working wonders for Espinosa. Although if I was a cigar shop owner, I’m not sure I’d want that soaking-wet goofball making a mess in my store…
I spoke too soon, and for the record that’s the ONLY thing I do that’s “too soon”, as the loose wrapper leaf is starting to unfurl here in the Weiner’s final act. I’m forced to grip my Weiner tighter so as to not lose control of this thing. We’ve all been there. The draw also opens up big time as a result of the cigar falling apart so I’m forced to end things prematurely. Which is something I’m completely unaccustomed to, I can’t stress that enough. Just ask the staff at The Pendulum Club about the legend of Officer Sweet T, they’ll tell you what’s up.
THE NUB
TNCC Final Score = 70
If we look at tonight’s cigar as an actual hot dog, the sloppy bun (wrapper leaf) really dampened the overall smoking experience of 64 minutes. It’s like when you choose to save 30 cents and buy the store brand buns instead of the real deal, only this is a cigar and as a consumer I didn’t get to choose my wrapper leaf. I always buy the good buns.
Mr. Punch’s Weiner lacked the complexity or interesting flavors to be a memorable cigar even without the construction issues. Its overly earthy profile just didn’t do much for me regardless of how many dick jokes it caused to spurt out. It’s a shame because I’ve enjoyed several of Mr. Punch’s seasonal releases, just not his Weiner. And, yes, I realize that will be a hard thing for him to swallow. If Mr. Punch’s Weiner comes again next summer, I’ll most likely stick to a cheeseburger.
* I’m fully aware that we’re being told by the marketing team that Mr. Punch’s Weiners are a spin on hot dogs but, c’mon, the puppet penis jokes were always going to be inevitable.
