“Another show, another Smoking Monk. Now you’re dead.”*
*spoken in thick Bronsonese dialect
WARNING: The entire group spends sizeable portions of this podcast talking in Bronsonese an ancient language where you deliver every thought in short cold emotionless sentences and usually instead of ending these statements with a period you punctuate them with a simple but ominous “now you’re dead”. I guess it’s a good sign that this episode was a success in that my internal monologue is still speaking in Bronsonese well over a week later. As I carried my coffee and bowl of oatmeal into the office to write up this episode page, I thought to myself “Self, it’s time to write up this episode page. If not, you’re dead meat.” So in honor of the man himself who has inspired my, hopefully temporary, descent into tough guy insanity I will be typing this up while channeling the spirit of the one and only Charles Dennis Buchinsky also known as CHARLES F’N BRONSON.
THE CIGAR – SMOKING MONK PORTER
This is week number three of our Drew Estate Smoking Monk odyssey.
The cigar was dark like a criminal’s heart. Just the right amount of firmness to the squeeze, implying a well filled stick. It smelled of baker’s chocolate on the prelight. Reminded me of grandma’s kitchen before she died. We all die.
The cigar displayed excellent construction and an extremely smooth draw throughout. Smooth like the barrel of a gun. While it didn’t seem to impress the group as much as the previous Smoking Monks we all agreed that perhaps the bar had been set too high. Or perhaps not. The Imperial Stout and American IPA were remarkable cigars. Maybe we will give the Porter another chance down the road to prove it belongs in the same league as the others. Maybe not. Second chances are for suckers and now you’re dead.
“Before this ash hits the floor you’ll be dead. And now you’re dead.”
THE BEER – SPINNING MULE ROBUST PORTER
The beer was almost black. Like a well digger’s boot. You see, I like my water fresh from a well. And I like my beer fresh from a tap. Mense said it reminded him a lot of the Buried Hatchet Stout from Episode One. Now he’s dead.
While Cody and I recognized a strong coffee presence throughout each pint, Tut did not. And now he’s dead too.
THE MOVIE – ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST
Mense called it a filmmaker’s film, Tuttle called it boring and slow as molasses in winter. I called it one of the best westerns of all time. Guess who was right? If you guessed me then you can breathe easy. For now.
We also discussed how they just don’t make actors like they used to. Guys like Fonda, Robards, Bronson, Cardinale. Well Cardinale was a woman, a real remarkable woman. But now she’s dead. Unfortunately.
What a woman. We also found ourselves repeatedly bringing up the character of Waingro from the film Heat. It’s a good movie that teaches you a lot about revenge and the pain of being a man. Sweet pain of being a man.
If you like westerns, if you like acting at its finest, if you can appreciate editing and direction that are leaps and bounds ahead of their cinematic peers both past and present – seek out this film. Or else.
THE NUB
There’s a story behind the image featured above the headline of this post. Of course you’ll have to listen to the PODCAST to hear it. It may be a story involving Charles Bronson being cast in Ghost instead of Patrick Swayze. It may also involve me caressing Cody’s shoulders. And if you got a problem with that, you’re dead meat.
You came here looking for a review of a film, a cigar, and a beer. You got that. Now listen to the damn podcast and then scram punk.
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